What is Knowing
To her it is the unexplainable calm that peers out under the pile of anxiety and depression and destruction that habitually looms on the surface. The calm is stronger than all the rest but silent still. It doesn’t need to be loud. That calm is ever present for her to find, for her to reach, but she only can when she gets out of her own way.
Letting the tears stream, the questions come - crying “why”, the uncontrollable sobs...letting it all out until she cannot possibly make another sound. Then silence. Then the calm. At her weakest, most raw, surrendered state, it takes over. She can think with clarity. Optimism opens the door to her heart. Hope happens to stroll through. Love lights the lamp inside. That is the knowing. The glow that returns, shining from the inside. Regardless of actual circumstance, she finds the spirit within, the strength to smile.
There is more depth to that smile now perhaps. Depth in knowing all that went into it, depth in knowing what comes out of it. Wrinkles from nose crinkles and a big teeth smile but, most critically, the twinkle in those olive disks when the light is just right.
She has learned her smile is her super power, her energy exchange, how she heals (herself and others). So she does. Wiping the tears away, making room for the calm. She smiles. Thats how she goes on.
Goes on to do big things, to excel at whatever she puts her mind to. Goes on to plan more adventures, imagined and actual. Goes on with a new softness. That old hardened heart from childhood is no longer of use. Shell cracked and melted away, she can be soft now. And without fear, even though sometimes she still is afraid.
Discipline does not lack empathy, the two can coexist in the knowing.
Overextending still requires rest. The knowing shows her what that looks like more clearly.
Most of all she’s found that love and devastation are not at odds, rather close neighbors. (Each takes turns winning ‘best lawn of the month’.) Each unmistakably beautiful in their own depth. Each contributes in some way to that smile, that inner light shining through.
So she goes on, the dreamer that she is, to play “best case scenario” every day. And even when she’s caught off guard, when the stars dont align, when waves of inner destruction crash down again, she still finds a way to love through it all. To return to the calm, the knowing that is always with her deep down, and smile.
