Blue Sky Days
How she hates blue sky days. The sun so bright she might as well be a bug under a microscope inspected bit by bit. Sometimes it's too much to bear. Especially now. No clouds above to keep her company. To say “you’re not alone”, to say “it's ok”, to say whatever else she’s made up for the sky to tell her and bring her comfort and confidence.
But nothing. There’s no recovery - not on a blue sky day at least. Only waiting. Waiting for weather, for a perfect storm, for some reassurance, for some something.
What to do in the meantime, how to manage… The only thing she can do is her best. To put blinders on. To be honorable and true especially when its hard, especially when it hurts. She loves anyway, that is one thing she can control. To love and to expire any expectations of love in return. Or even to discover that love in return looks completely different than what she thought it might. She tries to escape less. She tries to “be here now” more. But what is her reward, a naked sky, a blinding sun, a night that will never come.
So she follows her own advice: prayer, gratitude, affirmations, sweat, faking it until she makes it. Even a forced smile brings some relief. Seeing the best in what is around her, hoping and praying that only the best is seen in her too, as she cannot bear to disappoint. And then, moment by moment, slowly but surely, it all lifts. Not today, maybe not tomorrow either but it does lift. Because it always does. Evidence that she is in fact not alone. That loneliness is only temporary even though, in the moment, it feels eternal.
There will come a day when there are only ever exquisite sunrises dusted with clouds and colors. When the sky above is moody and full of character and curiosity. When the sunsets are only ever inspiring and never sullen or bleak. Maybe it's the distance between these moments and then that will make the ‘then’ even more overwhelmingly wonderful than she can imagine. God works in mysterious ways. It's none of her business how it all turns out but it is her business to trust and to have faith and to live in joyful obedience, learning how to do that better all the while.
