Refine
If her heart was extracted. Sliced open chest. Carve out her soul and dissect. What would it look like? Infinite little pieces somehow magically inspected one by one - to the point at which it would be impossible to reconstruct…
A pile of light
A pile of dark
A pile of glitter
A pile of sorrow
A pile of delight
A pile of poison
A pile of memories
A pile of longing
A pile of regret
A pile of hope
A pile of confusion
A pile of desire
A pile of anxiety
A pile of gratitude
A pile of “one days”
A pile of love…how could she forget
Is her heart really so different from another’s? Probably not. That brings her comfort. Not that she is the same (the secret is that she likes to be different). “Unique” and “quirky” while awkward in her youth, is what makes her shine today. But more so comfort in that she’s not alone.
Still though she questions…is she needed, is she valued, does it even matter?
On a good day (most days are good) the answer is that no, the answers to these questions do not matter.
It's the other days where this pesky idea becomes a little bigger slice in the pie of her brain. Reverse pacman eating all the yellow away, until there is a circle of black.
Prayer, community, silence, giving love, giving thanks…this is the cure.
God is so good, she knows this truth - a foundation, a fact. Why then is it so hard to embrace fully?
He is for her, He loves her, He is so proud of who she is. Most of all, He is merciful and His plans are so much better. It's ok to go dark…there is always light in the “morning”.
The internal wrestle is really just the heart stones, the infinite pieces, grinding against each other. Smoothing out rough edges. Refining over time. What a delightful idea that the struggle is for good.
This is how she comes back out. Clean, shiny, new, pristine.
Looking back at it all, a chuckle. Because all of the big things, the insurmountable events, the catastrophe. Really they turned out to just be bumps now undetectable. Necessary to the erosion process.
The infinite pieces are never reconstructed. That would be a return to sameness. No. Only the best pieces remain. Unfinished business until then, the grind continues. At first from a place of effort and obligation.
But after the cure, the prayer, the community, the silence…all the things…. The tossing and turning is only just a dance.
Heart open to the next storm, the next waltz, to refine ever more.
